| What it be |
[Jan. 25th, 2008|10:26 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | at home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  gloomy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | None | ] |
So life has been good to me. I have been doing well at my job. I am have been taking responsibility for on the floor training. It's hard though sometimes cause when I am trying to help someone I get attacked by another person asking for help. I sometimes have a hard job to do. But then again I am glad that I am allowed to have the responsibility put on my self.
On a side note I got an Xbox 360 and a few good games for it. I love it to death. I have taken a break from World of Warcraft cause I hardly ever play it any more. I have been playing the crap out of my Wii and enjoying many games for it, especially the virtual consoles.
Oh and life has been good to me, I really can't complain, I have become a homeowner for my condo and I am happy about that happening. I really don't know what is going on with hansel cause I witness him vomiting up tonight and I hope he is ok. I am going to fast him and authmn for the rest of the night. I may decide to buy some other food to help them out.
I have been talking to many people and been getting advice for what I should do about my love life. I see valentines stuff up and it just makes me sick to my stomach that it's been two years since I have actually been in a relationship. I am not sure who does like me and I wish I could find someone that does like me for whom I am.
I just wish I was happier on the inside and not so alone in the world. However, there are many poeple who do care about me and I am happy that they do so. I just don't know why....lol.....
Well that's all I have to say. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 29th, 2007|12:46 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
I am so irritated by many things right now. I am not happy with my life cause how things go in it. Why do females just want to be friends. Nothing more. They tell me they miss me and I miss them back but, hello we are not together. Why do they have to always say that to me. We are just friends and not together. I hate this and the way I feel. The girls I do like just turn out to not want to date me. Or just are to fucking scared to date me. Too much is what I am. LOL. I hate that so much. Fuck I am not in a good mood. Well I don't know what else to say.
Have a good day. Bye. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 24th, 2007|11:53 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | bored | ] |
Why is it that I hurt so much on the inside? I have so much pain and hurt that all I can say is I hate her. I will always hate the way you treated me and will never ever give her a chance to make it up. I hate her so much that I want to die. This feeling that burns inside of me. Sometimes I feel like I cant sleep cause I hurt so much from her. You fucking bitch go to away and stay away. I hate her music and her way of thinking. I hate every thing about her and what she did to me. All I wanted was a fucking second chance and never got it. To be let in a a mudd puddle. There on my own with anything to look for in life. You have given me nothing in return only pain and suffering for the rest of my forsaken life. I hate her so much that I would die for another chance. There are times where I think about dieing but its not worth it. Not for her. Go away I am sick and tired of hearing your voice, your annoying sneez. I have tried so hard to move on and all I feel is pain from you and your fucking drool. Yes I am not happy. So be it. I can't be happy in a relationship, then I won't be happy. If I think about it took much I feel like crying. I think about it to a certain point and yes it was a waste of time. I hate you and your mentality so much you stupid bitch. I have no remorse no forgiveness for you and your stuck up life. Spoiled is what I call it. I know I am blowing steem but I feel better when I know I can speak my mind about other poeple and the way. If I could give one thing in my life to make myself happy I would, but it wont happen. What is it to live a life of happiness? What is it to live a life of fullfillment?
In the past I have looked for so many different ways to escape this place we call reality, or the real world. I have done so many thing in my life that most people would never dare due. I have come to grips with my life and need to move on make some drastic changes. I have given up and been given up on by ones that I have loved, cheated, and lied too. I want to make things in my life real. I want to understand why I am here and why I live my life. Everytime I want to make myself happy I do in hurting others and myself. I am unsure what I can do to make my life the way others have their lives. Loving caring knowing what they want in life and making those steps to do so. Oh well I am sure that some day I will know what to look for in my life. I can only hope it won't lead me down the same path as before. Hurt pain and suffering. =)
Good night and good bye. |
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| making new ground |
[Feb. 8th, 2007|01:36 pm] |
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Hey there all. I know it has been an Fing long time since I post on this here page. Well I guess I can say all is well. I hope to make things better. There is alot still rolling around in my brain. But it could be worse. I may have more to say but peace. |
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| That was then; this is now! |
[Oct. 21st, 2006|12:44 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | bored | ] |
There are so many crazy things going on right now. It's hard to understand where my life is going. Alot of things are happening in my life and well I am scared of letting go of my feeling. Maybe it's time to see the door, open it, and walk on through. |
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| wishing you were here |
[Oct. 10th, 2006|05:01 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | frustrated | ] |
Well it is 5am in the morning and I can't sleep, I wish there was a way I could tell her how I feel. But at the same time I feel like there is nothing I can do. Being single is probably the most worst feeling for me right now. Not knowing what to look for in a relationship only makes it ten times more aweful. I still have so many feelings and thoughts that I am utterly confused what to do, or even what I can say. The females I do talk to are not even willing to give me the time of day. However at the same time I want a girl to fill the void in my life. I have an empty hole in-side of me. Why can't I just wish away the feelings I have for her. Nothing else should be there, but for some odd reason I still miss her, I can't stand to be around her and yet I can't stand to not be near her. I hate what I am saying however I still feel as though I love her. How stupid can I be to feel this way. Why can't I let go of everything that reminds me of her.
I listened to the cd that she made me over five months ago and it almost made me cry, well I think it did make me cry. This odd pain in my chest won't go away. I don't expect her to talk to me cause, it only irritates her too. Being single and not getting married is the worst thing I can think of happening to me, let alone another person. How can this be? That is something I can't understand. I have been laying in bed for two hours and I still can't get any sleep. I feel like I am haunted by the memories of my past. I hate this so much, I just want to know that my life will be so much better, but I feel like everything is the same and there is nothing I can do.
Oh my what a useless life I live, I am so unhappy but happy at the same time. I can make myself happy but its in the time of when I need to sleep that I can't cause I am lost in memories sweet memories. haha I laugh at my self for how stupid I am being right now. I wish my life could go on and I could wish away all my feelings and thoughts and emotions. However I am human and this is how I think. I feel like I am at the lowest I could have ever been today. I fear that my life has gone down the toilet and there is nothing I can do. blahblah blah..... ............
This is where I end it! |
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| crushes |
[Aug. 28th, 2006|08:46 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
someone having a crush on you and you cant show them the same feelings back is hard to deal with sometimes, I feel like I am losing all sight of everything i once knew and felt. |
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| whatever!!!! |
[Aug. 23rd, 2006|10:52 pm] |
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Most relationships last on knowing that someone will always be there for you, I just wish girls would tell me what they are thinking rather than having me guess at what they are trying to tell me. If you honestly love someone then you would not give up on them. It's not untill you are made out to be a liar but when in fact that you were played by her. I am a man that for sho! At least I can live on my own and be myself. it's not untill you show your true colors does it make things clear. No more talk no more play fuck it. cause its done. |
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| the world is my oyster! |
[Aug. 18th, 2006|08:06 pm] |
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wow what a wonderful world I live in! I am all giddy about this new girl that I just met today. ah I want this to go right! I am so excited about seeing her again. I just want to talk to her and get to know her, oh boy oh boy I am so excited yay!!!!! Other than that I am doing much better. |
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| Thunder is the best part of the storm!...................................BOOM! |
[Aug. 13th, 2006|09:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  calm | ] |
Girls are so odd, its interesting to see how hot of a stud I am not one of them will bother to talk to me. They look at me like I am some weirdo. Ok so maybe I am a weirdo. But that does not mean I should be treated like dirt. Well at least I know. I don't know what to say to people who cant trust me, I mean I pretty much trust someone who talks back to me. I am not a mean person, but rather freindly person, I dont speak much cause I am shy, I get really nervious about people who think I am an ass so to speak. I dont think I can understand my past relationship. Girls are very strange I wont ever understand them. They do really weird things to get attention. Gees I need some ass 6 months and still I cant get laid. OH I am so excited about the 27th going autoracing up in Santa Fe with my buddy Barry! yay! Should be one hell of a time. I think being single is the best thing in the world. Oh my what a week it was probably the best week of my life. Well I am done for tonight |
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| Just a thought |
[Aug. 6th, 2006|12:18 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | calm | ] |
Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by
I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said,
[Chorus:]
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything that I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right
[Chorus]
And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time
[Chorus x2]
And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star |
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| happy days |
[Aug. 4th, 2006|01:59 am] |
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well apparently my internet is working again for some odd reason LOL! that just made my day |
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| could this day suck any more! |
[Aug. 3rd, 2006|10:00 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | annoyed | ] |
Well could life be any worse, my damn cable was suspended cause I have a past due payment. lucky for me my parents have internet. Oh to make matters worse I might lose my job, I hate my life could it suck any more! life is so irritating sometimes I just want to punch myself in the face for hose stupid I am. What a way to end my day I get written up twice for my attendance at work and my aux time. Not only that but to make it more shitty my internet was suspended, and I was not even given a call about it. Oh well shows how much I know about money management. But all in all I get paid tomorrow and will make the effort to pay off some bills. I wish I could just live my life care free with out having to deal with alot of crap. I envy those who live with their parents but dont at the same time living on your own is by far the hardest thing in the world. Oh well I guess thats how my life will be LOL what a poor sorry bastard I am. I hate this life I have I thought it would be so much easier but I guess not. I am being kicked in the pants for being lazy at work and being lazy with my bills. oh well it cant get any worse or at least I hope not. good night!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 3rd, 2006|01:19 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | content | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Dead Air | ] |
Could I ever be happy?! What does it mean to be happy? What does it take to make ones self happy? I have been thinking about this alot lately, and yet I am courious what it takes to make me happy. I mean I have a good place to live. I have a decent job. I have two wonderful cats. I have two decent reliable cars. Three working computers. I have money to buy things with. Honestly in a lot of ways I am happy. But does that mean I am happy with who I am? I ask myself this question over and over again. Trying to understand what it means to be happy.
Well I want to say I am happy, but then again I am not. My life is not always what I expect it to be. I want to be happy, but I want to be alive knowing that some of the goals I seek in my life ie..a steady relationship. If there is one thing in the world that I could want more than anything is to be in a happy non denial relationship. Where the feelings for my significant other are the same. No games. No hiding feelings. However I am at a lost of words to know what to look for in a relationship. I feel lost sometimes, like I am in a never ending story, where I go on not knowing what will happen around the next corner. The feelings I had for certain individuals is not there anymore. I don't feel attached to these feelings. My first love was also my first heart broken. I know that much and I know that as time goes on things will become better for me. I am sick of these feelings of being lonely, not knowing what to do with myself. I know that I am going to get mocked for this but I don't care anymore.
All I want is to be happy! That is what I want out of my simple useless life. I know I am not the smartest person in the world, but I know that when the time is right I will find the right person to make me happy.
Ever day is a step away, Every day is more confusing in every way, To be lost is all I feel, To be in pain is all I feel, I wish I knew what to do to make the pain go away. Why do I feel this way. I am alone and dead. Nothing more can be said.
I sit here thinking and all I feel is a sharp pain in my chest, it hurts so much I just want to wish it all away. I feel like crying cause it hurts so much, will the sharp pain ever go away. I don't know what these feelings I hold inside. All I feel is the emptyness inside.
Well I am done whining about my pointless life and that's pretty much how I feel ever night before I go to sleep. |
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| feeling good |
[Aug. 2nd, 2006|10:32 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | TV playing in background | ] |
SO alot of things seem to be falling in place for me now, I seem to be feeling alot better. I am so happy the week has been going by so quick. I am looking forward to getting paid so I can pay some bills off. I honestly need to save up more money, and I need to stop buying everthing in site. haha! My fag cat hansel is being lame. But other than that I am pretty well! I really want a game cube but I am going to wait for the nintendo wii. backwards compability is the best thing in the world..... |
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| hAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME |
[Jul. 24th, 2006|06:23 am] |
HEY I JUST WANTED TO WISH MYSELF A HAPPY 25TH BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!
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| colorblind |
[Jul. 22nd, 2006|10:26 pm] |
I am colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am
Taffy stuck, tongue tied
Stuttered shook and uptight
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am...fine
I am covered in skin
No one gets to come in
Pull me out from inside
I am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding
I am
colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am...fine
I am.... fine
I am fine |
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| yay |
[Jul. 21st, 2006|06:54 pm] |
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Well today i got the urge to get my ears pierced again and they are hurting LOL! I am in so muc pain my feet hurt from the foot doctor and my ears sting too. but I am doing ok, but I hate the way I feel inside, alone and want to not be alone. I hate how I feel. But only time can heal my hurt on the inside of me. I picked up Revenge of the sith today at game stop for 10 dollars yay. I am thinking about picking up a gamecube and trying to find my copy of smash bros melee. I am falling in love with that game again. Only three more days till my birthday I am looking forward to it. LOL I came home cause i was tired and hungry and I am sitting here typing this entry. OH well maybe I will take a nap later. I am so restless and so are my two cats. I am concerned about work and if I am going to get my chance to transfer to one of the new campaings. If I dont get my transfer, then I might quit and go to tmobile. that really depends on what will happen. I am dont talking......excuse me and my bad spelling but i refuse to use spell checker |
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