||[Aug. 3rd, 2006|01:19 am]
Could I ever be happy?! What does it mean to be happy? What does it take to make ones self happy? I have been thinking about this alot lately, and yet I am courious what it takes to make me happy. I mean I have a good place to live. I have a decent job. I have two wonderful cats. I have two decent reliable cars. Three working computers. I have money to buy things with. Honestly in a lot of ways I am happy. But does that mean I am happy with who I am? I ask myself this question over and over again. Trying to understand what it means to be happy.
Well I want to say I am happy, but then again I am not. My life is not always what I expect it to be. I want to be happy, but I want to be alive knowing that some of the goals I seek in my life ie..a steady relationship. If there is one thing in the world that I could want more than anything is to be in a happy non denial relationship. Where the feelings for my significant other are the same. No games. No hiding feelings. However I am at a lost of words to know what to look for in a relationship. I feel lost sometimes, like I am in a never ending story, where I go on not knowing what will happen around the next corner. The feelings I had for certain individuals is not there anymore. I don't feel attached to these feelings. My first love was also my first heart broken. I know that much and I know that as time goes on things will become better for me. I am sick of these feelings of being lonely, not knowing what to do with myself. I know that I am going to get mocked for this but I don't care anymore.
All I want is to be happy! That is what I want out of my simple useless life. I know I am not the smartest person in the world, but I know that when the time is right I will find the right person to make me happy.
Ever day is a step away, Every day is more confusing in every way, To be lost is all I feel, To be in pain is all I feel, I wish I knew what to do to make the pain go away. Why do I feel this way. I am alone and dead. Nothing more can be said.
I sit here thinking and all I feel is a sharp pain in my chest, it hurts so much I just want to wish it all away. I feel like crying cause it hurts so much, will the sharp pain ever go away. I don't know what these feelings I hold inside. All I feel is the emptyness inside.
Well I am done whining about my pointless life and that's pretty much how I feel ever night before I go to sleep.